Saying goodbye

Written by Michael Knock

Photos by John Richard

Truman is one happy dog. The gray weimeranner puppy is just a few months old, and it shows. He clumsily bounces around the front yard of Heather and Matt Warren’s North Liberty home chasing after a black-and-gold basketball as it rolls down the driveway. He is curious about everything from a photographer’s camera to the activities of the Warrens’ 19-month-old son, Sterling.

“I don’t know if we were completely ready for another puppy,” Heather says with a smile as she watches Truman bound past her in the grass.

The Warrens got Truman about six weeks after the death of their first dog, Lilly. Another weimeranner, Lilly was 81/2 years old when she suffered a stroke in the middle of the night on June 17. She was paralyzed on her left side and was clearly suffering. Later that day, the family made the tough decision to have Lilly euthanized.

Heather remembers that their daughter, Stella, who was 5 years old at the time, gave Lilly a hug and told her “I hope you feel better” before the dog was taken to the veterinarian.

Experts agree that pets can be good for children. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, pet ownership can teach children about responsibility and respect for other living things. Pets also can be good companions for children, teaching them about trust, loyalty and compassion for others.

But what happens when the relationship has to end? What happens when a pet that has become a child’s beloved friend and companion dies?

The AACAP says that depends on how old the children are. For example, the Warrens said Stella and Sterling were really too young to fully understand what was happening with Lilly.

“For a week and a half to two weeks, Sterling would run down the hall calling ‘Lilly, Lilly,’ but that’s about it,” Heather said.

Stella, on the other hand, could tell that something was happening by watching her mom and dad grieve. Heather and Matt got Lilly six months after they were married. Lilly went running with Heather every morning and hunting with Matt in the fall, so her death was very painful to them.

Stella, on the other hand, didn’t really seem sad about losing Lilly, at least not at first. Instead, she tried to comfort her mom and dad, telling them that Lilly was in heaven with Grandma.

“Matt and I were very sad,” Heather said. “After about the fifth or sixth day, however, Stella started to have a breakdown.”

Heather said her daughter started to obsess about her Webkinz, an electronic pet, worrying that it might get sick and die like Lilly. When Heather asked her why she was so upset about her e-pet, Stella finally started to cry.

“She told me, ‘I really miss Lilly,’” Heather said. “That was her outlet.”

Such behavior is not unusual. Young children like Sterling do not always notice the death of a pet. They do, however, pick up on the grief of their parents or that of their older siblings. Children between the ages of 2 and 5 will often miss the pet as a playmate, but not understand the permanence of death.

The older the children get, the more they will grieve the loss. Sam Dennis, 13, and his sister Maggie, 16, recently lost their English sheepdog, Winston. Maggie got Winston on her sixth birthday, and he instantly became a part of the family. A formal family photograph shows Winston smiling in the front row. Other more casual shots show Sam and Maggie petting Winston while he was eating or playing with him on the lawn.

Another photo shows the 100-pound shaggy dog marching in the Lemme Elementary School Character Counts parade last May. At the age of 9 1/2, he looks older and grayer than in the previous photographs, but he’s got his Lemme T-shirt on as he eyes the camera with a determined stare.

“When you put his T-shirt on him, he knew was going to Lemme,” said Anne Dennis, Sam and Maggie’s mother and a special education teacher at the school.

Anne said Winston came to school almost every day. He even had his “class photo” taken when Sam was in fifth grade. Last spring, people at school asked Anne if Winston could march in the parade, and at first she was hesitant to say, “Yes.”

“I told them that I didn’t know if he could do it because his arthritis was so bad,” Anne said. “But when I got his T-shirt on him, he actually took off running.”

It was Winston’s last walk. His arthritis, common in larger dogs, continued to get worse. While his disposition was still good, he could no longer walk. Like the Warrens, the Dennis family had to consider euthanasia.

The decision took time as they discussed it together as a family.

“It was hard,” said Mike Dennis, Sam and Maggie’s father. “We put it off as long as we could.”

At first, Sam held out hope that there might be another alternative, but even he finally came to accept that this was what was best for Winston. On Winston’s last day, Maggie spent time with him, laying next to him and feeding him treats. She said she thinks he knew what was coming.

“He wasn’t acting himself,” Maggie said. “He knew what was best for him. He just laid there and wouldn’t sit up.”

Just like adults, children older than 10 often go through the entire gamut of the grieving, including denial, bargaining, anger, guilt, depression and acceptance. Thus, when you consider euthanizing a pet, it is important to include the family in the decision. It’s also important to make it clear to children that they need to keep in mind the best interests of the pet. Is it in pain? Is it suffering needlessly?

Experts say it is best to not use euphemisms when explaining to children — especially very young children — the need to euthanize a pet. Phrases like “put to sleep” or “put down” can confuse children and cause unnecessary anxiety. Nor do children need to be present while a pet is euthanized. Doctors at the University of Illinois College of Veterinary Medicine say that parents should allow children to make the decision for themselves. They also should be allowed, if they want, to go back into the room after the procedure is finished to say good-bye one last time.

Moreover, if children want to memorialize a pet, they should be encouraged to do so. Michael Lensing, a funeral director for Lensing Funeral and Cremation Service, said that ritual — whether it is having a simple service for the pet, saying a short prayer or planting a tree in the yard — could be good for children.

“I think it gives children the opportunity to express themselves and the way they are feeling,” Lensing said.

Getting a new pet is another big decision families have to face. The Warrens decided they wanted to have a pet around both for themselves and for their children.

“I think it’s good for kids to grow up with a dog,” Heather said.

In the Dennis household, however, Sam and Maggie have made it clear that they would like another dog. Anne, on the other hand, says that it’s just too soon.

“I’m still in mourning.”

Faithful Companions Pet Remembrance Service

Lensing Funeral & Cremation Service has opened a new pet crematorium to help pet owners cope with their loss.

Faithful Companions Pet Remembrance Service opened Sept. 21 at Lensing’s Oak Hill location in Coralville. The service is in a cottage-like building with a brick sidewalk, gazebo and private wooded area. Lensing’s also will host monthly support groups for pet loss.

Lensing’s owner Michael Lensing said the funeral home staff will work with veterinarians in the area. Faithful Companions offers three options: private cremation with one animal at a time, communal cremation when families don’t want the remains back, or memorial cremation where three animals would be cremated at the same time. Lensing’s also will sell caskets for animals. Pet owners will need to sign a cremation permit, like family members and the medical examiner do for humans, Lensing said.

Pricing for the service ranges from $150 to $275, but varies depending on the size of the animal, Lensing said. The crematorium is for household pets, not livestock animals. It is the first pet crematorium open for public use in Iowa City area, he said.

“Pets mean so much to so many people,” Lensing said. “It’s not right or wrong. It’s just where you’re at.”

For more information, call 338-HUGS (4847).

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