Time outs: Toddlers and effective discipline

Written by Brenda Payne

One of the most confusing concepts in child development and parenting is time outs. Everyone says they use time outs in their discipline strategy for their children, but if you asked 10 parents what they do for time outs, you’d probably get 10 different answers. What’s worse, if you asked 10 different psychologists or child development experts, you’d also probably get 10 different answers.

Time outs can be one of the most effective discipline strategies to use with children from their youngest to about the middle of elementary school. As with all good strategies used with children over time, time outs need to change with a child’s development. Their increasing ability to think though consequences and use language to communicate changes the dynamics of a good time out over time but the principles stay the same.

The traditional time out method involves a chair (perhaps faced to a wall) and a timer. The idea is to have kids sit in a chair for a certain amount of time, usually one minute for year of their age. For kids with an easy temperament, this strategy may work fine. They “do their time” and then return to their activities, determined to avoid the behavior that landed them in the chair.

However, most parents are not so lucky. Kids have a way of turning this type of time out into a colossal battle of will. Often, parents require the child to be quiet (and maybe remorseful, maybe even able to say what he or she did wrong) when the timer sounds. If they aren’t, the timer starts over.

There are several dangers in this situation, not the least of which is the parent’s increasing anger and temptation to use physical punishment when the time out doesn’t work. Another is that kids learn that they can push us and take control of the situation until we give in to them.

The purpose of a time out is to simply remove a child from an environment where they are enjoying themselves to an environment where there is no positive feedback. What kids learn from a good time out strategy:

• Misbehavior results in negative consequences (they miss out on fun).

• Self-quieting skills (they learn to calm down and get themselves together so they can go back to having fun without getting into trouble).

• For toddlers, the key is quickly removing them from the situation to an area where there is as little positive reinforcement as possible (while keeping them safe, of course). There doesn’t have to be a designated spot for a time out, although there is no danger of associating negatives with a certain area (bedroom, pack and play, etc.) if the time out is brief and kids are calm at the end of the time out.

• Seem impossible? Here are some tips to keep in mind:

• Don’t give in to anger. Kids get a charge out of driving us crazy, it’s their job.

• Less is more as long as you follow through and do it.

• Less talking. Kids don’t process information the same way we do. You will not persuade them with the powers of logical reasoning to do the right thing. Your job as a parent is to show them what that right thing is, and then follow up with consequences if they don’t do it.

• Less consequences. A shorter time out is more effective if it’s followed through on rather than a longer time out that is threatened but not carried out. This is true of any type of consequence. It’s better to take a privilege away for an hour if you can really follow through on it than to ground a child for two weeks from TV if you know they will be able to sneak TV after school when you’re not yet home from work.

• Do not interact with kids while they are in time out. They may try to do everything they can think of to get your attention — cry, scream, say mean things — don’t give in to your own anger or anxiety by trying to talk to them or worse, yell at them. Do your best to ignore these behaviors and follow the rules of time out rather than give your child attention for negative behaviors you do not want him or her to repeat.

• Don’t let a crying child out of time out. It will only teach them that if they cry, you will forget about the consequences and they will cry more. The time out is a time for toddlers to learn and practice self calming strategies.

Time outs are tough business, but the effort you put in while they are very young will pay off with good behavior when they are older.

Brenda Payne is a licensed psychologist practicing at Gersh, Hartson, Payne and Associates in Iowa City. She and her husband, Rich, have one child.

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